Gay Life in Rural Vermont

So here we are in rural Vermont.  Giving advice to everyone and their brother about gay relationships.  

Many gay people who shudder at the thought of living so remotely:  45 minutes to the nearest fortress of box stores -- Wal-Mart, groceries, K-Mart, etc.  Many gay people would fear that they would be alone.

Guess what?  

Straight people -- single -- or couples -- are alone -- in rural areas.

We have community.

I am on the Fire Department. A volunteer.   I am connected and feel support from other people on the Department.  They could care less that I am gay.

I am the Town Constable.  I am a Lister with the Town.  Both are elected positions.

We live on 110 acres of remote forest land.  We own a tractor, an excavator, 2 guns, 2 dogs, 2 potbellied pigs and 3 chickens (we had more but they were taken out by a fox this summer). 

We have no cable TV or Internet access -- if you want it in our town the only way to get it is through satellite.

I am a vegetarian.  My partner is not.

(He smokes cigarettes.  I go hiking -- http://hikeswithscott.com) 

We struggle -- like anyone struggles in this world today -- but we are happy.

Isn't that all we can expect out of life?

I hope you are happy.

If you are not, give me a call at 802-380-1026 and lets talk about how you can get your bearings and get going!

Gay couples who play games with each other

Do you play games with your partner?  I hope so. 

I remember when I was single, and in the dating scene, I hated gay men who played games.  In fact, if the gossip amongst other men at a gay bar were that a certain guy played games, I avoided him like the plague.

Gay leather bars provided yet another avenue for playing games and shifted my perspective of what it meant to be a gay man (temporary insanity).  But the equipment required for these games was so expensive -- I would have had to take a second job just to pay for the team uniform let alone the other special leather accoutrements.

Now, as a committed half of a gay couple, I have come to love games -- in part because I like the games Brian plays -- and in part because we finally got some equipment.  Special equipment -- which has added no end to the excitement since it arrived five days ago.  Of course, when the FedEx delivery drove up and gave Brian the heavy, bulky box, his curiosity was sparked.  "I'm not telling you -- you'll have to wait and see -- you'll have to wait until I assemble it."

Not two minutes later, Brian came over and said, "I know what it is -- its a table.  I know -- we were talking the other night -- and you went out and got a table."

He was right.

{mosimage}It took me about 20 minutes to get the legs on and the parts out and then the fun began.

The only decision was chess, checkers or backgammon?

We chose chess.

I won the games for the first two days and then was slammed on day three.

On day four, Brian came home from worked and asked, "Do you want to fool around?"

"I'd rather play chess," I said.

 

---

Gay couples talk back:  What kind of games do you play in your relationship?  How often do you play?  What is the impact of games on a gay relationship? 

 

Accept things as they really are...

On the Vipassana Retreat the teacher kept repeating this phrase, "Accept things as they really are not as you would like them to be."

This is not just a perspective to bring to meditation, but a perspective to bring to life. Certainly it is a perspective to bring to one's relationship.

We meet someone, fall in love, create this image of them in our heads - which may or may not match up with reality - then propose a commitment of some sort - dating, moving in together, marriage / civil union / legal agreements. 

Then we create this image of a life together in our heads - which may or may not match up with reality.   We build a whole story where we are the star and all our wishes come true - which may or may not match up with reality.

If you are like most couples I know or have worked with, you don't discuss this idol you have built of your boyfriend -- you don't discuss the stage play you are writing with you as the star. But you act as if what is in your head matches up with reality. And you get so agitated whenever anything goes against this.

He is great. I just wish...

     he didn't smoke cigarettes
     he didn't smoke pot
     he'd lose weight
     he'd like dogs
     he'd share his feelings more
     he'd go out more
     he'd be into the outdoors

The list goes on.

And on.

And on.

"Accept things as they really are not as you would like them to be."

Now I am not suggesting that you turn into jelly and let your partner walk all over you. Communication & compromise are key elements in a relationship. 

I am suggesting that you talk and share your images and screen plays so they match reality - working out the differences. Asserting yourself. In the infancy of your relationship. You will avoid so many problems.

Vipassana

I recently completed a Vipassana meditation course. Ten solid days of practice. Solid because when day one starts at 4:30am, you are in the meditation hall practicing. Solid because when day ten ends at 9:00pm, you are in the meditation hall practicing. Truth be told its really twelve days. You arrive at 4:00pm on day zero for room assignment, unpacking and orientation -- formally starting at 8:00pm. You leave on day eleven after morning practice and closing dhamma talk. 

Its hard work - but so beneficial.

I am so grateful to be in a relationship with a man that not only accepts my spiritual path, but supports it. And not just with words.

Twelve days (eight business days) is quite a chunk of time to be away in comunicado (there is no outside communication during a course -- you can't even talk to others on course -- no reading, writing -- just meditation). Besides managing our household solo, Brian manages incoming calls for coaching, trainings, etc., that I get while away. Plus the financial impact: as a self-employed business coach / relationship coach / life coach, being on a a Vipassana meditation course for twelve days means no income for twelve days.

And I have been doing this twice each year now: sitting a course in the Spring and serving a course in the Fall. (Each course happens only through the generosity of time by old students like myself).

That means twenty-four days each year. Almost one month.

His support consists of so much more than words.

I am so grateful.

This support is one of the keystones in our relationship. We make no effort to keep the ship tied to the dock instead we put energy into making our ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas and and monitor the weather of our relationship to navigate around storms.

So many couples are out to change each other:
     "You need to do this."
     "You need to do that."

There is little room for the individual's personal path.

I think that comes about from fear. The fear that our spouse will meet someone else -- someone better. Or that our spouse will change and leave us behind.

These couples put all their energy into keeping the ship tied to the dock instead of putting energy into making the ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas or monitoring the weather to navigate around storms.

Other couples pay no attention either way. They put no energy into keeping the ship tied to the dock nor put energy into making the ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas and  monitor the weather to navigate around storms.

Three different models for support. Three different outcomes.

Which describes the type of relationship you want to be in? And, more importantly, which describes the type of relationship you are in?

Communication Style

Entry 1  Part 1

Stardate 01082008

   I remember as a child my grandparents always seemed to be yelling at each other and I always wondered why they would bicker so much. I thought for sure they would get divorced but they are together to this day. How could that be?

  {mosimage} I have realized that Scott and I apparently do the same thing and do not even realize it. We were on vacation in Sedona and we were driving somewhere and Scott's mom was with us. Scott and I were bantering back and forth and mom said why are you guys fighting? Scott and I looked at each other and said we are not fighting.

   Looking at us from someone elses eyes Scott and I had become my grandparents. So how is it that people can appear to be fighting yet not be? It about your communication style. For us these direct, sometimes cutting, sometimes loud interactions are just the way that we clear the air. We tend to 'bicker' and then within seconds we are laughing about something. It's hard for the outside observer to keep up.

   So is this dynamic healthy or not? When I was young I thought not but now I believe that it is. Our communication style evolved through the beginning of our relationship. I had a tendancy to "STUFF" my feelings while Scott on the other hand was direct and clear. I had stress. Scott did not. Why? I would eventually violently erupt and spew out every issue I had for the last three months and it was usually over something minor. Scott never did. I was Pompei and Scott was Old Faithfull. Like the guyser Scott would gently release with no great harm dome. With me I would take down everything in a 50 mile radius.

   Which do you believe is a better style?

Next Time

   Communication Rules: Why they are important and some basics.

 Signing Off

BJ

  

Stop Talking to The Wall

Stardate           01152008

Communication Rules Part 1 - Why are they important and some of the basics.

People communicate for one basic purpose. That is to transfer information to another. The reasons that they need to transfer this information are too numerous to list in entirety. Some include: letting others know about something that happened, perhaps a story. Communication occurs for instruction or training. We communicate constantly throughout or waking lives. Some even communicate to themselves or a most people say. ‘talk to themselves’.

So what is the difference between communicating and talking. For the later, talking is simply one of many methods in which to communicate. Communication is the transference of information from one source to another and again talking is a way to do that. Other methods of communicating include a look, a gesture, a smile, a frown, your stance. All of these also are sending information to the recipient.

Now that we have established that there are multiple reasons to communicate and there are many methods in which to do so let’s go microscopic in the world of information transfer and focus on effective ways of communicating in a relationship.

{mosimage}So why do we need rules for communication as I have suggested? It comes down to two basic issues. ISSUE 1: In general people struggle with getting across what they intend to. ISSUE 2: The recipient does not interpret the information properly. This may sound simple enough but there is a whole lot of cause for issue one and two. Instead of going onto detail at this point I feel it would be more enlightening to list some basic rules of communicating in a relationship and then go into more detail.

I guess I still have not clarified why communication rules are important. As your reading this you may be following me or you may not. The information is a bit jumpy and may or may not be hard to follow depending on your information intake preference. The key here is that your intake preference and your partner’s intake preference may not be the same. So I guess we have ISSUE 3: Intake Preference – or basically the way that you absorb information the best. If you are not following me at this point then I guess it is a problem with your ‘Intake Preference’ and you are on you own or could it be that my delivery isn’t meeting your needs. Thus ISSUE 4: Delivery – how you convey information is as important as the information you convey.

  Now we have four basic issues. We started with two and in a paragraph we have four. This communication seems to be complicated. It is! Some people have trouble with ‘rules’ therefore from this point on they will be called ‘Guidelines’. The reason to have guidelines is not to constrain or restrict communication but to insure that most effective methods of communicating are available to us. You can talk to a wall until you are blue in the face. If it does not respond it is really just a waste of your time. Sometimes when you talk to your partner It Is Like Talking To A Wall. Is it his fault or yours? You will never know until you start communicating in a manner that meets BOTH of your needs otherwise you might as well be talking to a wall. You will get the same outcome. Nothing!

I'm back!

Hello everybody...

I am back after a brief hiatus this Spring. I use the word hiatus because it was not a struggle with procrastination or other personal issues to be dealt with & managed more effectively. It was a result of a choice to cultivate some new areas -- namely Hikes with Scott and renew some old areas -- like financial planner education. Plus there is Compass.

Hikes with Scott is going well -- I've met some great gay men. And I am getting more fit.   The Presidential Traverse in July will be cake! 

I am moving ahead with my financial planning education -- a critical issue for many people and a good constellation of skills to add to my coaching toolbox.

Then there's Compass -- our Jack Russell Terror -- I mean Jack Russell Terrier -- puppy.   Brian wants to breed her, so we have been laying the foundation so that when Compass is ready-to-go, we are ready-to-go. 

Changes.

Changes.

Changes.

They can pose a BIG challenge for couples.

Not for us.

We have done preventative maintenance with a professional. Interestingly most couples don't do this. They treat their car better than their relationship.

When is the last time you took your relationship in to a professional for a tune up? When is the last time you took your life in to a professional for a balance & alignment?

Sure you do do things in your relationship -- dinners, concerts, recreation. These are important -- very important -- but they are like washing & waxing your car -- or cleaning the interior -- or getting your oil changed -- or putting fuel in your gas tank. They keep your relationship running. They keep outside forces -- like relationship rust -- at bay. That's all.

Just like any car owner would not mistake these basic tasks as enhancing their car's performance or preventing problems, don't mistake these actions as enhancing your relationship performance or preventing relationship problems.

Most people acknowledge the result of neglecting preventative maintenance on their car is disaster. Expensive repairs. Breakdowns. Towing. Accidents. 

Most people don't wait until they rear end someone to have the brakes checked. Most people don't wait until they hydroplane off the road on a rainy day to have their tires checked.

Unfortunately most people ignore preventative maintenance with their relationships.

They take action only after a breakdown or accident.

Cars end up towed for body work or an engine rebuild -- if they aren't totaled.

Relationships end up in therapy or in a lawyer's office working out issues like child custody and who gets the house -- if they aren't totaled.

What professional preventative maintenance are you doing? Where will your relationship end up?

Just hang out

I am so grateful for the support of Brian. And his ability to just "be" without any expectations. Yesterday, after a challenging day of computer errors, I just needed closeness.

[I had learned from the Coping and Stress Profile, that in some areas of my life, my response to stress is through closeness.  Brian's typical coping response is problem-solving and he has learned to adapt to support closeness since learning the degree to which we each use the relationship-based coping skills -- closeness, problem-solving, flexibility and communication].

So we just "hung out."  No agenda.  No focus.  No expectations.  I rubbed his shoulder -- he rubbed my head.  No sex.   Just support through touch.

Its important to have times to "just be" -- to have times for support through touch.  It's amazing.  So many gay couples overlook this aspect of a relationship.  Sure it may happen -- sometimes purposely -- sometimes accidentally -- but its one of the ingredients in the mortar of the foundation of your relationship.  Not to be taken for granted.

When was the last time you experienced this?  What was it like?

Civil Unions and Powers of Attorney

{mosimage}Scenario 1:  Last week I met with a financial planner to talk about consolidating retirement accounts from previous employers.  During our routine interview, he asked me if Brian and I had a will, powers of attorney, health care powers of attorney and living wills.   I said to him that we did but I believed most of these documents were unnecessary for us as a gay couple because we were civil unioned in 2000.  His response was that he wasn’t sure and we should really talk to an attorney and he referred me to one that specializes in legal issues for gay couples.  Now the financial planner I spoke with was in New Hampshire (where Civil Unions for gay couple just started on January 1, 2008) so he may not be familiar with the specific protections afforded to gay couples via civil unions (which I though were separate but equal).

Scenario 2:  I called the companies that manage my retirement funds to get documents to request a roll over of monies.  As they were asking me about the forms, they said that if I was married I needed to have my wife complete a document stating she was waiving her right to 50% of my finds if I rolled them over to another company’s retirement fund.  I said, “I’m civil unioned, do I need to do that?”  The advisor’s response, “I don’t know, you should talk to an attorney.”

Does it seem like no one knows what is going on here?

I, of course, talked to Brian about the issue and I even Googled “Do civil union gay couples need powers of attorney?”

Here is what I discovered from Lambda Legal about New Jersey Civil Unions¹:

Q: Even if my partner and I enter into a New Jersey civil union, are there other precautions we should take?

A: Yes. A civil union is new in New Jersey, and legal statuses for same-sex couples are just beginning to be established in various forms elsewhere in the country. This is a rapidly evolving legal area with much uncertainty. Our experience with New Jersey's domestic partnerships shows us that a status other than marriage is confusing to some people, and invites all people to be discriminatory — despite what the law requires — because a separate status signals unworthiness. Further, the federal government and many other states may not respect your New Jersey civil union, so it is especially important to consider whether you have adequate protections if you are traveling outside of the state. You should consult with an attorney if possible about steps you should take apart from your civil union to provide more security to one another and to your family. For example, you can better protect each other through legal documents like wills, health care proxies, advance directives, cohabitation agreements and powers of attorney. Many of these legal protections are routinely obtained by married couples as well to afford greater security for their family; they can be that much more important for same-sex couples whose New Jersey civil unions may not be respected outside of the state.

:  http://www.lambdalegal.org/our-work/publications/facts-backgrounds/nj-civil-unions-faq.html

Do you have a legal (or other) relationship resource for gay couples? 

Please register and then submit a web-link for our resource section!

It's 2008. What are the goals for your relationship?

During the first few days of each new year Brian and I sit down and take a look at our individual goals as well as goals for our relationship. These past few years I have also revised my business plan for True Azimuth and presented it to him for input and approval.

"Approval?" you ask.  "What ever would you need that for?"

We are a partnership -- in more ways than one.  Starting a new business requires start up capital as well as other lifestyle financial choices.  So it is important that he share my vision. 

Its really our vision.  Our future.

And we have faith and trust in each other -- grounded in our commitment to be together "until death do us part" -- as hokey as some people may believe that to be -- we really mean it.

Every business coach / personal coach stresses the importance of clearly defined goals. You need clearly defined goals in order to achieve success.  However, clearly defined goals are not enough. Goals need objectives and action steps (tasks).  Like the needle on a compass, they point in the direction  you want to go, allowing you to maintain your focus in the present while not losing your way.

Goals also need to be reviewed regularly.

A few years ago, I stopped writing goals down.  Not because it's a waste of paper -- but I because I found a better way.  Using a software-based system called GoalPro because it had the tools to define, maintain, track, and achieve my goals.  Its awesome.  But don't take my word for it.  Download a free trial version and try it out for yourself.

Are you still setting your goals on paper??