An additional special feature for this course is the Strategies for Creating a Positive Relationship Report. This report describes
Watch this video completely before you read the rest of this gay couples blog post.
What did you think of the video? How did you react to it? More importantly, why did you react to it the way you did?
Most likely you reacted because of an assumption: you either ASSUMED the video was about something or you ASSUMED the video appeared to be about something that it wasn't. You waited for the "punch" line.
Assumptions are the JOY of our existence. Assumptions add spice to life. A joke would not be a joke if it were not for assumptions. The jolts we get from the "punch" line happens because we assume one thing and wham! We get another. Cliff-hangers in movies are built on assumptions. We are able to drive down the road in complete confidence because we can assume with 100% faith that every other driver will obey the rules around the yellow lines in the middle of the road. When they don't, what happens? You got it, an "accident." We never get in an "in-purpose" car wreck.
Assumptions are also the BANE of our existence. We assume our boyfriend will value the same thing we do. Why is it that gay men are so blatant about their sexual tastes (tops, bottoms, latex, leather -- it is quite a long and specific list isn't it?) but are so closed about their values? I bet you can tell me what get's your guy off in bed to precise detail and what turns him off. But can you tell me what his top 5 values (in priority order) are? I bet you can't. Assumptions is where gay couples get into trouble. And I am not talking about the begging stages of a relationship.
The struggle that erupts after 15 or 20 years together happens most often because one guy in the relationship assumes that the other guy in the relationship still holds the same values that he did when they were first together! People change.
Do you value the same music you listened to in high school? If you are like me (any most others) your answer is probably "No." I loved Pink Floyd when I was in my senior year in high school, freshman and sophomore year in college. I was not just a fan - I was a fanatic. Opera was horrid. A month ago I went to the second of Wagner's ring series. I haven't listened to Floyd in over a year.
Are you holding onto the same values in your relationship? How is it hurting you?
Values. Gay couples live by them and gay couples flourish by them. Whether we acknowledge them
or not, all of our choices are driven by what we value and what we don't value.
Our values exist in a prioritized system. When we give a higher priority to one value than another, that value holds more weight in our decision making processes and hence the choices we perceive and make. Consider for example the values of family and the honesty. Which is a higher priority to you?
Whichever you thought of in response to this question, consider this predicament: someone of authority (e.g., police) comes to your door looking for someone in your family. That person is hiding in your house. How do you respond? Do you give them up or lie? Is this consistent with how you answered the first question, re: which is a higher priority to you -- family or honesty?
So it would be beneficial to be able to explicitly identify the values that you hold and explicitly state their priority. There are many books to help you do this, the best of which is What Matters Most: The Power of Living Your Values.
Another factor that relates to our values is character. Our values are driven by our character. Consider, if one stronger character strength is humor, we value laughter, we value teasing, we value seeing other people smile.
I am not sure if our values influence our character or if our character influences our values. But they seem intrinsically tied together. So knowing your character is an important factor in identifying your values and making better choices.
A few weeks ago I discovered the VIA Character Survey (http://viasurvey.org). I was impressed with what I read about the survey and was most interested in confirming what I thought were my top 5 character strengths. Be warned: the survey promises to do this for free and it does but then offers you the opportunity to purchase an 18-page detailed report at the end (well worth it I might add -- I indeed purchased my individual report). I was not surprised at some of my characteristics and surprised at others. The assessment does require rigorous honesty -- the only person you "fake out" is yourself by not answering the questions how you really are but by how you want to be and how you want others to see you. And the assessment is long -- like a little less than 300 questions long. But your progress is saved incrementally so you don't have to answer all the questions in one sitting.
How well do you live by your values? Do you just float through and make your choices based on what is below the surface and not what you explicitly know? Or do you know your values? Here is a test for you to take with your spouse/boyfriend/partner/husband: write down what your top 5 values are in rank priority on a sheet a paper. (Your spouse does the same). While you are at it, write down 5 people you admire (often the people we admire are a reflection of our character and our values). Once you have both completed your lists for yourself, consider your spouse and answer the same questions as you think that he answered them. You now have two lists-- the list you made for yourself and the list you think your spouse made for himself.
Now exchange lists.
What did you learn? Post your comments below!
