Time Capsule

Early on in our relationship, Brian & I decided we needed to create a ritual to celebrate our commitment as well as be a role model for others.

Role model was not the word we used at the time. We wanted to let others know two men could have a loving, committed, monogamous relationship. We used the word "prove". 

We also wanted others to celebrate our commitment with us.

Trouble is, there are not the support structures / public rituals in place for gay couples like there are for straight couples.

We didn't want to do some knock-off or impression act either.

What to do?

After some consideration and discussion we decided upon a Time Capsule. We would create a Time Capsule every ten years. Then for our 50th Anniversary, we would have a big party to crack open the first four and build the fifth. Core to each Time Capsule would be letters from people currently in our lives. 

Notice its not letters from friends that we are seeking to include in the Time Capsule. Not that we don't want letters from friends - we do. But we decided we would not seek out long lost friends for letters. We wanted each Time Capsule to be a reflection of our lives at the time each Time Capsule was created.

It was the perfect solution. First it created a way for people in our lives to celebrate our commitment as a gay couple. They wouldn't need to remember. They would be reminded when we asked for a Time Capsule letter.

Second it created a way for us to educate our world about our relationship. How awkward is it to go up to someone and say, "I've been in a gay relationship for 20 years, would you like to congratulate and celebrate with me -- where's my card?" How much easier is it to say, "We are building a Time Capsule and I was wondering if you'd like to write a letter." They will inevitably ask, "Why are you assembling a Time Capsule?" and the conversion naturally flows and opens up.

Third the process intrigued people and brought them together around the topic of gay relationships -- particularly when they heard our plan to have a big party for our 50th Anniversary to crack open the first four Time Capsules and build the fifth.

A gay couple? Together for 50 years?

You bet!

Gay Life in Rural Vermont

So here we are in rural Vermont.  Giving advice to everyone and their brother about gay relationships.  

Many gay people who shudder at the thought of living so remotely:  45 minutes to the nearest fortress of box stores -- Wal-Mart, groceries, K-Mart, etc.  Many gay people would fear that they would be alone.

Guess what?  

Straight people -- single -- or couples -- are alone -- in rural areas.

We have community.

I am on the Fire Department. A volunteer.   I am connected and feel support from other people on the Department.  They could care less that I am gay.

I am the Town Constable.  I am a Lister with the Town.  Both are elected positions.

We live on 110 acres of remote forest land.  We own a tractor, an excavator, 2 guns, 2 dogs, 2 potbellied pigs and 3 chickens (we had more but they were taken out by a fox this summer). 

We have no cable TV or Internet access -- if you want it in our town the only way to get it is through satellite.

I am a vegetarian.  My partner is not.

(He smokes cigarettes.  I go hiking -- http://hikeswithscott.com) 

We struggle -- like anyone struggles in this world today -- but we are happy.

Isn't that all we can expect out of life?

I hope you are happy.

If you are not, give me a call at 802-380-1026 and lets talk about how you can get your bearings and get going!

Gay couples who play games with each other

Do you play games with your partner?  I hope so. 

I remember when I was single, and in the dating scene, I hated gay men who played games.  In fact, if the gossip amongst other men at a gay bar were that a certain guy played games, I avoided him like the plague.

Gay leather bars provided yet another avenue for playing games and shifted my perspective of what it meant to be a gay man (temporary insanity).  But the equipment required for these games was so expensive -- I would have had to take a second job just to pay for the team uniform let alone the other special leather accoutrements.

Now, as a committed half of a gay couple, I have come to love games -- in part because I like the games Brian plays -- and in part because we finally got some equipment.  Special equipment -- which has added no end to the excitement since it arrived five days ago.  Of course, when the FedEx delivery drove up and gave Brian the heavy, bulky box, his curiosity was sparked.  "I'm not telling you -- you'll have to wait and see -- you'll have to wait until I assemble it."

Not two minutes later, Brian came over and said, "I know what it is -- its a table.  I know -- we were talking the other night -- and you went out and got a table."

He was right.

{mosimage}It took me about 20 minutes to get the legs on and the parts out and then the fun began.

The only decision was chess, checkers or backgammon?

We chose chess.

I won the games for the first two days and then was slammed on day three.

On day four, Brian came home from worked and asked, "Do you want to fool around?"

"I'd rather play chess," I said.

 

---

Gay couples talk back:  What kind of games do you play in your relationship?  How often do you play?  What is the impact of games on a gay relationship? 

 

Accept things as they really are...

On the Vipassana Retreat the teacher kept repeating this phrase, "Accept things as they really are not as you would like them to be."

This is not just a perspective to bring to meditation, but a perspective to bring to life. Certainly it is a perspective to bring to one's relationship.

We meet someone, fall in love, create this image of them in our heads - which may or may not match up with reality - then propose a commitment of some sort - dating, moving in together, marriage / civil union / legal agreements. 

Then we create this image of a life together in our heads - which may or may not match up with reality.   We build a whole story where we are the star and all our wishes come true - which may or may not match up with reality.

If you are like most couples I know or have worked with, you don't discuss this idol you have built of your boyfriend -- you don't discuss the stage play you are writing with you as the star. But you act as if what is in your head matches up with reality. And you get so agitated whenever anything goes against this.

He is great. I just wish...

     he didn't smoke cigarettes
     he didn't smoke pot
     he'd lose weight
     he'd like dogs
     he'd share his feelings more
     he'd go out more
     he'd be into the outdoors

The list goes on.

And on.

And on.

"Accept things as they really are not as you would like them to be."

Now I am not suggesting that you turn into jelly and let your partner walk all over you. Communication & compromise are key elements in a relationship. 

I am suggesting that you talk and share your images and screen plays so they match reality - working out the differences. Asserting yourself. In the infancy of your relationship. You will avoid so many problems.

Vipassana

I recently completed a Vipassana meditation course. Ten solid days of practice. Solid because when day one starts at 4:30am, you are in the meditation hall practicing. Solid because when day ten ends at 9:00pm, you are in the meditation hall practicing. Truth be told its really twelve days. You arrive at 4:00pm on day zero for room assignment, unpacking and orientation -- formally starting at 8:00pm. You leave on day eleven after morning practice and closing dhamma talk. 

Its hard work - but so beneficial.

I am so grateful to be in a relationship with a man that not only accepts my spiritual path, but supports it. And not just with words.

Twelve days (eight business days) is quite a chunk of time to be away in comunicado (there is no outside communication during a course -- you can't even talk to others on course -- no reading, writing -- just meditation). Besides managing our household solo, Brian manages incoming calls for coaching, trainings, etc., that I get while away. Plus the financial impact: as a self-employed business coach / relationship coach / life coach, being on a a Vipassana meditation course for twelve days means no income for twelve days.

And I have been doing this twice each year now: sitting a course in the Spring and serving a course in the Fall. (Each course happens only through the generosity of time by old students like myself).

That means twenty-four days each year. Almost one month.

His support consists of so much more than words.

I am so grateful.

This support is one of the keystones in our relationship. We make no effort to keep the ship tied to the dock instead we put energy into making our ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas and and monitor the weather of our relationship to navigate around storms.

So many couples are out to change each other:
     "You need to do this."
     "You need to do that."

There is little room for the individual's personal path.

I think that comes about from fear. The fear that our spouse will meet someone else -- someone better. Or that our spouse will change and leave us behind.

These couples put all their energy into keeping the ship tied to the dock instead of putting energy into making the ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas or monitoring the weather to navigate around storms.

Other couples pay no attention either way. They put no energy into keeping the ship tied to the dock nor put energy into making the ship sea worthy so it can withstand high seas and  monitor the weather to navigate around storms.

Three different models for support. Three different outcomes.

Which describes the type of relationship you want to be in? And, more importantly, which describes the type of relationship you are in?

Communication Style

Entry 1  Part 1

Stardate 01082008

   I remember as a child my grandparents always seemed to be yelling at each other and I always wondered why they would bicker so much. I thought for sure they would get divorced but they are together to this day. How could that be?

  {mosimage} I have realized that Scott and I apparently do the same thing and do not even realize it. We were on vacation in Sedona and we were driving somewhere and Scott's mom was with us. Scott and I were bantering back and forth and mom said why are you guys fighting? Scott and I looked at each other and said we are not fighting.

   Looking at us from someone elses eyes Scott and I had become my grandparents. So how is it that people can appear to be fighting yet not be? It about your communication style. For us these direct, sometimes cutting, sometimes loud interactions are just the way that we clear the air. We tend to 'bicker' and then within seconds we are laughing about something. It's hard for the outside observer to keep up.

   So is this dynamic healthy or not? When I was young I thought not but now I believe that it is. Our communication style evolved through the beginning of our relationship. I had a tendancy to "STUFF" my feelings while Scott on the other hand was direct and clear. I had stress. Scott did not. Why? I would eventually violently erupt and spew out every issue I had for the last three months and it was usually over something minor. Scott never did. I was Pompei and Scott was Old Faithfull. Like the guyser Scott would gently release with no great harm dome. With me I would take down everything in a 50 mile radius.

   Which do you believe is a better style?

Next Time

   Communication Rules: Why they are important and some basics.

 Signing Off

BJ

  

Stop Talking to The Wall

Stardate           01152008

Communication Rules Part 1 - Why are they important and some of the basics.

People communicate for one basic purpose. That is to transfer information to another. The reasons that they need to transfer this information are too numerous to list in entirety. Some include: letting others know about something that happened, perhaps a story. Communication occurs for instruction or training. We communicate constantly throughout or waking lives. Some even communicate to themselves or a most people say. ‘talk to themselves’.

So what is the difference between communicating and talking. For the later, talking is simply one of many methods in which to communicate. Communication is the transference of information from one source to another and again talking is a way to do that. Other methods of communicating include a look, a gesture, a smile, a frown, your stance. All of these also are sending information to the recipient.

Now that we have established that there are multiple reasons to communicate and there are many methods in which to do so let’s go microscopic in the world of information transfer and focus on effective ways of communicating in a relationship.

{mosimage}So why do we need rules for communication as I have suggested? It comes down to two basic issues. ISSUE 1: In general people struggle with getting across what they intend to. ISSUE 2: The recipient does not interpret the information properly. This may sound simple enough but there is a whole lot of cause for issue one and two. Instead of going onto detail at this point I feel it would be more enlightening to list some basic rules of communicating in a relationship and then go into more detail.

I guess I still have not clarified why communication rules are important. As your reading this you may be following me or you may not. The information is a bit jumpy and may or may not be hard to follow depending on your information intake preference. The key here is that your intake preference and your partner’s intake preference may not be the same. So I guess we have ISSUE 3: Intake Preference – or basically the way that you absorb information the best. If you are not following me at this point then I guess it is a problem with your ‘Intake Preference’ and you are on you own or could it be that my delivery isn’t meeting your needs. Thus ISSUE 4: Delivery – how you convey information is as important as the information you convey.

  Now we have four basic issues. We started with two and in a paragraph we have four. This communication seems to be complicated. It is! Some people have trouble with ‘rules’ therefore from this point on they will be called ‘Guidelines’. The reason to have guidelines is not to constrain or restrict communication but to insure that most effective methods of communicating are available to us. You can talk to a wall until you are blue in the face. If it does not respond it is really just a waste of your time. Sometimes when you talk to your partner It Is Like Talking To A Wall. Is it his fault or yours? You will never know until you start communicating in a manner that meets BOTH of your needs otherwise you might as well be talking to a wall. You will get the same outcome. Nothing!