Communication Style

Entry 1  Part 1

Stardate 01082008

   I remember as a child my grandparents always seemed to be yelling at each other and I always wondered why they would bicker so much. I thought for sure they would get divorced but they are together to this day. How could that be?

  {mosimage} I have realized that Scott and I apparently do the same thing and do not even realize it. We were on vacation in Sedona and we were driving somewhere and Scott's mom was with us. Scott and I were bantering back and forth and mom said why are you guys fighting? Scott and I looked at each other and said we are not fighting.

   Looking at us from someone elses eyes Scott and I had become my grandparents. So how is it that people can appear to be fighting yet not be? It about your communication style. For us these direct, sometimes cutting, sometimes loud interactions are just the way that we clear the air. We tend to 'bicker' and then within seconds we are laughing about something. It's hard for the outside observer to keep up.

   So is this dynamic healthy or not? When I was young I thought not but now I believe that it is. Our communication style evolved through the beginning of our relationship. I had a tendancy to "STUFF" my feelings while Scott on the other hand was direct and clear. I had stress. Scott did not. Why? I would eventually violently erupt and spew out every issue I had for the last three months and it was usually over something minor. Scott never did. I was Pompei and Scott was Old Faithfull. Like the guyser Scott would gently release with no great harm dome. With me I would take down everything in a 50 mile radius.

   Which do you believe is a better style?

Next Time

   Communication Rules: Why they are important and some basics.

 Signing Off

BJ

  

Stop Talking to The Wall

Stardate           01152008

Communication Rules Part 1 - Why are they important and some of the basics.

People communicate for one basic purpose. That is to transfer information to another. The reasons that they need to transfer this information are too numerous to list in entirety. Some include: letting others know about something that happened, perhaps a story. Communication occurs for instruction or training. We communicate constantly throughout or waking lives. Some even communicate to themselves or a most people say. ‘talk to themselves’.

So what is the difference between communicating and talking. For the later, talking is simply one of many methods in which to communicate. Communication is the transference of information from one source to another and again talking is a way to do that. Other methods of communicating include a look, a gesture, a smile, a frown, your stance. All of these also are sending information to the recipient.

Now that we have established that there are multiple reasons to communicate and there are many methods in which to do so let’s go microscopic in the world of information transfer and focus on effective ways of communicating in a relationship.

{mosimage}So why do we need rules for communication as I have suggested? It comes down to two basic issues. ISSUE 1: In general people struggle with getting across what they intend to. ISSUE 2: The recipient does not interpret the information properly. This may sound simple enough but there is a whole lot of cause for issue one and two. Instead of going onto detail at this point I feel it would be more enlightening to list some basic rules of communicating in a relationship and then go into more detail.

I guess I still have not clarified why communication rules are important. As your reading this you may be following me or you may not. The information is a bit jumpy and may or may not be hard to follow depending on your information intake preference. The key here is that your intake preference and your partner’s intake preference may not be the same. So I guess we have ISSUE 3: Intake Preference – or basically the way that you absorb information the best. If you are not following me at this point then I guess it is a problem with your ‘Intake Preference’ and you are on you own or could it be that my delivery isn’t meeting your needs. Thus ISSUE 4: Delivery – how you convey information is as important as the information you convey.

  Now we have four basic issues. We started with two and in a paragraph we have four. This communication seems to be complicated. It is! Some people have trouble with ‘rules’ therefore from this point on they will be called ‘Guidelines’. The reason to have guidelines is not to constrain or restrict communication but to insure that most effective methods of communicating are available to us. You can talk to a wall until you are blue in the face. If it does not respond it is really just a waste of your time. Sometimes when you talk to your partner It Is Like Talking To A Wall. Is it his fault or yours? You will never know until you start communicating in a manner that meets BOTH of your needs otherwise you might as well be talking to a wall. You will get the same outcome. Nothing!

I'm back!

Hello everybody...

I am back after a brief hiatus this Spring. I use the word hiatus because it was not a struggle with procrastination or other personal issues to be dealt with & managed more effectively. It was a result of a choice to cultivate some new areas -- namely Hikes with Scott and renew some old areas -- like financial planner education. Plus there is Compass.

Hikes with Scott is going well -- I've met some great gay men. And I am getting more fit.   The Presidential Traverse in July will be cake! 

I am moving ahead with my financial planning education -- a critical issue for many people and a good constellation of skills to add to my coaching toolbox.

Then there's Compass -- our Jack Russell Terror -- I mean Jack Russell Terrier -- puppy.   Brian wants to breed her, so we have been laying the foundation so that when Compass is ready-to-go, we are ready-to-go. 

Changes.

Changes.

Changes.

They can pose a BIG challenge for couples.

Not for us.

We have done preventative maintenance with a professional. Interestingly most couples don't do this. They treat their car better than their relationship.

When is the last time you took your relationship in to a professional for a tune up? When is the last time you took your life in to a professional for a balance & alignment?

Sure you do do things in your relationship -- dinners, concerts, recreation. These are important -- very important -- but they are like washing & waxing your car -- or cleaning the interior -- or getting your oil changed -- or putting fuel in your gas tank. They keep your relationship running. They keep outside forces -- like relationship rust -- at bay. That's all.

Just like any car owner would not mistake these basic tasks as enhancing their car's performance or preventing problems, don't mistake these actions as enhancing your relationship performance or preventing relationship problems.

Most people acknowledge the result of neglecting preventative maintenance on their car is disaster. Expensive repairs. Breakdowns. Towing. Accidents. 

Most people don't wait until they rear end someone to have the brakes checked. Most people don't wait until they hydroplane off the road on a rainy day to have their tires checked.

Unfortunately most people ignore preventative maintenance with their relationships.

They take action only after a breakdown or accident.

Cars end up towed for body work or an engine rebuild -- if they aren't totaled.

Relationships end up in therapy or in a lawyer's office working out issues like child custody and who gets the house -- if they aren't totaled.

What professional preventative maintenance are you doing? Where will your relationship end up?

Just hang out

I am so grateful for the support of Brian. And his ability to just "be" without any expectations. Yesterday, after a challenging day of computer errors, I just needed closeness.

[I had learned from the Coping and Stress Profile, that in some areas of my life, my response to stress is through closeness.  Brian's typical coping response is problem-solving and he has learned to adapt to support closeness since learning the degree to which we each use the relationship-based coping skills -- closeness, problem-solving, flexibility and communication].

So we just "hung out."  No agenda.  No focus.  No expectations.  I rubbed his shoulder -- he rubbed my head.  No sex.   Just support through touch.

Its important to have times to "just be" -- to have times for support through touch.  It's amazing.  So many gay couples overlook this aspect of a relationship.  Sure it may happen -- sometimes purposely -- sometimes accidentally -- but its one of the ingredients in the mortar of the foundation of your relationship.  Not to be taken for granted.

When was the last time you experienced this?  What was it like?

Civil Unions and Powers of Attorney

{mosimage}Scenario 1:  Last week I met with a financial planner to talk about consolidating retirement accounts from previous employers.  During our routine interview, he asked me if Brian and I had a will, powers of attorney, health care powers of attorney and living wills.   I said to him that we did but I believed most of these documents were unnecessary for us as a gay couple because we were civil unioned in 2000.  His response was that he wasn’t sure and we should really talk to an attorney and he referred me to one that specializes in legal issues for gay couples.  Now the financial planner I spoke with was in New Hampshire (where Civil Unions for gay couple just started on January 1, 2008) so he may not be familiar with the specific protections afforded to gay couples via civil unions (which I though were separate but equal).

Scenario 2:  I called the companies that manage my retirement funds to get documents to request a roll over of monies.  As they were asking me about the forms, they said that if I was married I needed to have my wife complete a document stating she was waiving her right to 50% of my finds if I rolled them over to another company’s retirement fund.  I said, “I’m civil unioned, do I need to do that?”  The advisor’s response, “I don’t know, you should talk to an attorney.”

Does it seem like no one knows what is going on here?

I, of course, talked to Brian about the issue and I even Googled “Do civil union gay couples need powers of attorney?”

Here is what I discovered from Lambda Legal about New Jersey Civil Unions¹:

Q: Even if my partner and I enter into a New Jersey civil union, are there other precautions we should take?

A: Yes. A civil union is new in New Jersey, and legal statuses for same-sex couples are just beginning to be established in various forms elsewhere in the country. This is a rapidly evolving legal area with much uncertainty. Our experience with New Jersey's domestic partnerships shows us that a status other than marriage is confusing to some people, and invites all people to be discriminatory — despite what the law requires — because a separate status signals unworthiness. Further, the federal government and many other states may not respect your New Jersey civil union, so it is especially important to consider whether you have adequate protections if you are traveling outside of the state. You should consult with an attorney if possible about steps you should take apart from your civil union to provide more security to one another and to your family. For example, you can better protect each other through legal documents like wills, health care proxies, advance directives, cohabitation agreements and powers of attorney. Many of these legal protections are routinely obtained by married couples as well to afford greater security for their family; they can be that much more important for same-sex couples whose New Jersey civil unions may not be respected outside of the state.

:  http://www.lambdalegal.org/our-work/publications/facts-backgrounds/nj-civil-unions-faq.html

Do you have a legal (or other) relationship resource for gay couples? 

Please register and then submit a web-link for our resource section!

It's 2008. What are the goals for your relationship?

During the first few days of each new year Brian and I sit down and take a look at our individual goals as well as goals for our relationship. These past few years I have also revised my business plan for True Azimuth and presented it to him for input and approval.

"Approval?" you ask.  "What ever would you need that for?"

We are a partnership -- in more ways than one.  Starting a new business requires start up capital as well as other lifestyle financial choices.  So it is important that he share my vision. 

Its really our vision.  Our future.

And we have faith and trust in each other -- grounded in our commitment to be together "until death do us part" -- as hokey as some people may believe that to be -- we really mean it.

Every business coach / personal coach stresses the importance of clearly defined goals. You need clearly defined goals in order to achieve success.  However, clearly defined goals are not enough. Goals need objectives and action steps (tasks).  Like the needle on a compass, they point in the direction  you want to go, allowing you to maintain your focus in the present while not losing your way.

Goals also need to be reviewed regularly.

A few years ago, I stopped writing goals down.  Not because it's a waste of paper -- but I because I found a better way.  Using a software-based system called GoalPro because it had the tools to define, maintain, track, and achieve my goals.  Its awesome.  But don't take my word for it.  Download a free trial version and try it out for yourself.

Are you still setting your goals on paper??

Build a Stronger, Winning Relationship

PRESS RELEASE

March 30 2007

Brian J. Stephens
True Azimuth, LLC
Phone:  802-380-8455
FAX:  802-333-9006
Email:  bjstephens@TrueAzimuth.biz

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Build a Stronger, Winning Relationship

True Azimuth, LLC released today a Relationship Empowerment Workbook for gay and lesbian couples who want to build a stronger, winning relationship.  The free workbook uses information from the DiSC 2.0 profile available from Inscape Publishing.

DiSC, a behavioral-style assessment to help people learn about their own behavior, improve communication and reduce conflict, has been used worldwide in business for organizational development and performance improvement.  DiSC has 30 years of proven reliability and over 40 million users.

“We’ve taken the information from Inscape’s DiSC to a whole new ‘interpersonal’ level,” says life and relationship coach Scott Graham who authored the workbook.  “When you complete a DiSC profile you get a report that summarizes your behavioral style and includes recommendations for your work environment.  If you want to use DiSC to increase your effectiveness in your personal life or with your partner -- unless you were working with a coach to help you -- there was little to bridge the gap – until now,” says Graham.

The self-directed workbook provides the process toward increased effectiveness as a couple.  “First you evaluate your DiSC report -- highlighting insights from behavioral summaries outlined in the report including what motivates you and what you need -- based on the report.  Then you do the same for your partner,” says Graham.  “Then you compare perspectives.”

According to Graham, the part of the workbook where couples compared perspectives was the most significant exercise reported by couples while the workbook was being developed.  “Perspective is a key area I work on with my coaching clients, says Graham. “Sometimes how we see our selves doesn't match up with how we really are.  Making sure we are seeing things accurately is pivotal in gaining traction toward building not only a winning relationship but a winning life!”

Finally a seven-day success chart couples learn a game plan for building a winning gay / lesbian relationship.  “Both the DiSC Report and the workbook introduce a new language for couples to use in their relationship” says Graham.   “Introducing DiSC language into the culture of a relationship enhances communication and problem solving.”

The workbook is free but requires the purchase of an online DiSC profile.  “Each workbook is individualized based on the results of two DiSC profiles:  yours and your partners,” says Graham.  “We take the data and create two personalized workbooks which we send to each couple along with their reports.”

The workbook is not just for new couples – or even couples who may be struggling in their relationship.  “Whether you have been together 50 days or 50 years there is room to create a stronger, winning relationship,” says Graham

True Azimuth, LLC, headquartered in West Fairlee, Vermont, began offering business, personal and relationship coaching in 2006 as well as the Navigating Together™ Relationship Course for gay couples.   For more information and to preview the workbook, go to http://NavigatingTogether.info/workbook.htm.  For more information about life, business or relationship coaching call Scott Graham at 802-380-1026 or email sgraham@trueazimuth.biz.

Inscape Publishing, renowned as the world's leader in DiSC learning, is headquartered in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  They are the leading independent publisher of research-based self-assessments.
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