An additional special feature for this course is the Strategies for Creating a Positive Relationship Report. This report describes
Watch this video completely before you read the rest of this gay couples blog post.
What did you think of the video? How did you react to it? More importantly, why did you react to it the way you did?
Most likely you reacted because of an assumption: you either ASSUMED the video was about something or you ASSUMED the video appeared to be about something that it wasn't. You waited for the "punch" line.
Assumptions are the JOY of our existence. Assumptions add spice to life. A joke would not be a joke if it were not for assumptions. The jolts we get from the "punch" line happens because we assume one thing and wham! We get another. Cliff-hangers in movies are built on assumptions. We are able to drive down the road in complete confidence because we can assume with 100% faith that every other driver will obey the rules around the yellow lines in the middle of the road. When they don't, what happens? You got it, an "accident." We never get in an "in-purpose" car wreck.
Assumptions are also the BANE of our existence. We assume our boyfriend will value the same thing we do. Why is it that gay men are so blatant about their sexual tastes (tops, bottoms, latex, leather -- it is quite a long and specific list isn't it?) but are so closed about their values? I bet you can tell me what get's your guy off in bed to precise detail and what turns him off. But can you tell me what his top 5 values (in priority order) are? I bet you can't. Assumptions is where gay couples get into trouble. And I am not talking about the begging stages of a relationship.
The struggle that erupts after 15 or 20 years together happens most often because one guy in the relationship assumes that the other guy in the relationship still holds the same values that he did when they were first together! People change.
Do you value the same music you listened to in high school? If you are like me (any most others) your answer is probably "No." I loved Pink Floyd when I was in my senior year in high school, freshman and sophomore year in college. I was not just a fan - I was a fanatic. Opera was horrid. A month ago I went to the second of Wagner's ring series. I haven't listened to Floyd in over a year.
Are you holding onto the same values in your relationship? How is it hurting you?
Values. Gay couples live by them and gay couples flourish by them. Whether we acknowledge them
or not, all of our choices are driven by what we value and what we don't value.
Our values exist in a prioritized system. When we give a higher priority to one value than another, that value holds more weight in our decision making processes and hence the choices we perceive and make. Consider for example the values of family and the honesty. Which is a higher priority to you?
Whichever you thought of in response to this question, consider this predicament: someone of authority (e.g., police) comes to your door looking for someone in your family. That person is hiding in your house. How do you respond? Do you give them up or lie? Is this consistent with how you answered the first question, re: which is a higher priority to you -- family or honesty?
So it would be beneficial to be able to explicitly identify the values that you hold and explicitly state their priority. There are many books to help you do this, the best of which is What Matters Most: The Power of Living Your Values.
Another factor that relates to our values is character. Our values are driven by our character. Consider, if one stronger character strength is humor, we value laughter, we value teasing, we value seeing other people smile.
I am not sure if our values influence our character or if our character influences our values. But they seem intrinsically tied together. So knowing your character is an important factor in identifying your values and making better choices.
A few weeks ago I discovered the VIA Character Survey (http://viasurvey.org). I was impressed with what I read about the survey and was most interested in confirming what I thought were my top 5 character strengths. Be warned: the survey promises to do this for free and it does but then offers you the opportunity to purchase an 18-page detailed report at the end (well worth it I might add -- I indeed purchased my individual report). I was not surprised at some of my characteristics and surprised at others. The assessment does require rigorous honesty -- the only person you "fake out" is yourself by not answering the questions how you really are but by how you want to be and how you want others to see you. And the assessment is long -- like a little less than 300 questions long. But your progress is saved incrementally so you don't have to answer all the questions in one sitting.
How well do you live by your values? Do you just float through and make your choices based on what is below the surface and not what you explicitly know? Or do you know your values? Here is a test for you to take with your spouse/boyfriend/partner/husband: write down what your top 5 values are in rank priority on a sheet a paper. (Your spouse does the same). While you are at it, write down 5 people you admire (often the people we admire are a reflection of our character and our values). Once you have both completed your lists for yourself, consider your spouse and answer the same questions as you think that he answered them. You now have two lists-- the list you made for yourself and the list you think your spouse made for himself.
Now exchange lists.
What did you learn? Post your comments below!
Are you a gay couple in a civil union? Or gay marriage? Or similar supposedly separate-but equal statuses?
Have you done your taxes yet? Well, let me tell you, with TurboTax -- you are separate and unequal.
What you ask? How can this be?
From the TurboTax website (http://turbotax.intuit.com/support/kb/tax-content/tax-tips/5197.html):
Start with Your Federal Return
When you begin your single federal return, TurboTax will ask if you were married during the tax year. Select Registered Domestic Partnership to indicate an RDP, civil union, or same-sex marriage.
Now complete and file your single federal return for the IRS. (If you start a state return, TurboTax will tell you that it’s not the right time to do that, and that you should instead file your federal return.)
Next, your partner will complete and file his or her single federal return.
After finishing your two separate federal returns, prepare your married federal return for the state.Preparing an RDP Return using TurboTax Desktop Version
If you are using the desktop version of TurboTax:
- Open your TurboTax federal return (the one you already completed and filed with the IRS).
- From the File menu, select Save As.
- In the Save Tax Return window, enter a different file name, and then select Save.
- Go to the Personal Info section and confirm that you are in a RDP, civil union, or same-sex marriage. Also indicate if you are filing as either married filing jointly or married filing separately.
- Enter your partner’s personal information when TurboTax asks about your spouse.
- If filing as married filing jointly, include your partner’s tax information as you prepare and complete this return.
- Once this return is done, continue on to your state return. You will see confirmation that this is your married state return.
- Prepare your married state return and include your partner’s tax information (if filing as married filing jointly).
- Finish this return and file it with your state (by mail or e-file).
What does this mean? You have to do your taxes three times if you are a gay or lesbian couple. You call that separate but equal?
Its not!
Programs like turbo tax that force gay couples to do extra work should not be able to be sold in states where gay and lesbian couples can be married or civil-unioned.
You can't tell me that a programmer couldn't create an import function and instruct the TurboTax to re-calculate that "third" return for gay couples!
{mosimage}I called TurboTax to inquire and complain about this gay relationship penalty in their program. (You see both my husband and myself have our own businesses. We had to re-enter all the data for one of us when we created that "third" federal tax form that gets tossed away for gay couples who are married or civil-unioned. After waiting on the phone for 42 minutes I spoke with a TurboTax customer service rep about this issue for gay couples. He was very helpful and apologized. He told me "this is the way the federal government has told us to do it."
Sorry -- that's bogus -- if they can put a person on the moon, they can eliminate this separate but unequal function from TurboTax.
We'd love to hear thoughts from other gay couples on this issue. Do tax preparation professionals have to make up a third return and re-enter one of the gay couple's income and deduction data again? Do they charge gay couples extra? Should TurboTax be removed from the shelves from states where gay and lesbian couples can marry, enter into a civil union or domestic partnerships?
So here we are in rural Vermont. Giving advice to everyone and their brother about gay relationships.
Many gay people who shudder at the thought of living so remotely: 45 minutes to the nearest fortress of box stores -- Wal-Mart, groceries, K-Mart, etc. Many gay people would fear that they would be alone.
Guess what?
Straight people -- single -- or couples -- are alone -- in rural areas.
We have community.
I am on the Fire Department. A volunteer. I am connected and feel support from other people on the Department. They could care less that I am gay.
I am the Town Constable. I am a Lister with the Town. Both are elected positions.
We live on 110 acres of remote forest land. We own a tractor, an excavator, 2 guns, 2 dogs, 2 potbellied pigs and 3 chickens (we had more but they were taken out by a fox this summer).
We have no cable TV or Internet access -- if you want it in our town the only way to get it is through satellite.
I am a vegetarian. My partner is not.
(He smokes cigarettes. I go hiking -- http://hikeswithscott.com)
We struggle -- like anyone struggles in this world today -- but we are happy.
Isn't that all we can expect out of life?
I hope you are happy.
If you are not, give me a call at 802-380-1026 and lets talk about how you can get your bearings and get going!
Do you play games with your partner? I hope so.
I remember when I was single, and in the dating scene, I hated gay men who played games. In fact, if the gossip amongst other men at a gay bar were that a certain guy played games, I avoided him like the plague.
Gay leather bars provided yet another avenue for playing games and shifted my perspective of what it meant to be a gay man (temporary insanity). But the equipment required for these games was so expensive -- I would have had to take a second job just to pay for the team uniform let alone the other special leather accoutrements.
Now, as a committed half of a gay couple, I have come to love games -- in part because I like the games Brian plays -- and in part because we finally got some equipment. Special equipment -- which has added no end to the excitement since it arrived five days ago. Of course, when the FedEx delivery drove up and gave Brian the heavy, bulky box, his curiosity was sparked. "I'm not telling you -- you'll have to wait and see -- you'll have to wait until I assemble it."
Not two minutes later, Brian came over and said, "I know what it is -- its a table. I know -- we were talking the other night -- and you went out and got a table."
He was right.
{mosimage}It took me about 20 minutes to get the legs on and the parts out and then the fun began.
The only decision was chess, checkers or backgammon?
We chose chess.
I won the games for the first two days and then was slammed on day three.
On day four, Brian came home from worked and asked, "Do you want to fool around?"
"I'd rather play chess," I said.
